(book review)

Cloud, Henry, and John Sims Townsend. 2003. Boundaries face to face: how to have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

I found this book very helpful and wanted to share a little bit about it. The book is about how to handle confrontational talks but the goal is not to have a confrontation but to improve the relationship between two people. Since reading it, I have started to put several aspects into practice and saw how it makes a difference.

What are the aspects of a helpful ‘confrontation’? The table of contents provides a great overview over the important ingredients:

Part 1 – Why do you need to have that difficult conversation?

• The talk can change your life
• The benefits of a good conversation

Part 2 – The essentials of as good conversation

• Be emotionally present
• Be clear about “You” and “I”
• Clarify the problem
• Balance grace and truth
• Stay on task
• Use the formula, when you do “A,” I feel “B”
• Affirm and validate
• Apologize for your part in the problem
• Avoid “shoulds”
• Be an agent for change
• Be specific
• Differentiate between forgiving and trusting

Part 3 – Seeing how it is done

• Telling people what you want
• Making someone aware of a problem
• Stopping a behavior
• Dealing with blame, counterattack and other problems

Part 4 – Getting yourself ready to have the conversation

• Why you need to be ready
• How to get ready

Part 5 – Having the difficult conversation with people in your life

• With your spouse
• With someone you’re dating
• With your child
• With your parents
• With adult children
• At work
• With people in authority

Let me underline some points that I found especially helpful:

-         The importance of preparing yourself for a difficult talk and not feeling embarrassed about it, but explaining that I easily lose the thread and might say things that I did not mean to say and forget things that I find important;

-         Name the problem and don’t let yourself be distracted, by neither yourself nor your dialogue partner. It happens so easily that you get on a tangent. I often fall into the trap of bring up other situations that are similar, but mentioning them all can get overwhelming.

-         Saying honestly what the behavior of the other person causes in you and be specific. Putting this in words can be quite difficult but if I work on this during the preparation, it is a first step towards a solution.

-         The same applies to concrete suggestion of what need to be changed. This can be a challenge but when I think through this during the preparation and try to be specific, I realize what can I expect realistically and what not. I need to be aware that nobody can change completely from one day to the other. Therefore it needs to become clear to myself what exactly I expect from the other person and what is feasible. Unrealistic expectations only cause frustrations on both sides.

-         Don’t expect the talk to solve your negative emotions. They have to be processed before attempting such a talk, with the help of God and friends. The talk has to be motivated by my love for the other person and out of interest to improve out relationship, not to let off steam.

-         We need to honestly express our wishes and needs but not turn them into demands. I give to leave the other person the freedom and not manipulate. I need to be aware that not all my wishes will be fulfilled. It is important not to expect all wishes to be fulfilled, but to share even those wishes and needs that I know cannot be fulfilled. As long as I leave enough freedom to the other person, that’s ok. “Freedom is the precondition for any good relationship.” To not manipulate is one of the biggest challenges for me. Not all forms of communicating my needs are appropriate.

-         Accepting the No of the other person no matter what. If the point is especially important for me, it is better to bring it up again at another occasion. It is also important to express my understanding for the other position (and not assume that the other person knows that). Some solutions will only develop after we understand why the other person reacts a certain way, or says no, or …

-         Listening and asking back, and really try to understand what the other person wants to express. While at the same time avoiding getting side tracked. It is better to postpone side issues to another talk.

This is just a small selection of helpful points in this book. Since reading it several months ago, I noticed time and again how often confrontations are motivated by the desire to blow off steam and the expectation to feel better after doing so. This is basically the contrary of what Cloud and Townsend propose here.

***

Cloud, Henry, and John Sims Townsend. 2005. Grenzen setzen – Beziehungen bauen : so lösen Sie zwischenmenschliche Konflikte ganz praktisch, Neues Leben-Edition. Asslar: Gerth.

Ich fand dieses Buch sehr hilfreich, und möchte einzelne Punkte daraus zitieren. In diesem Buch geht es in gewisser Weise um Konfrontationsgespräche, aber solche die nicht der Konfrontation dienen sollen, sondern der Verbesserung einer Beziehung. Seit ich es gelesen habe, versuche ich manches davon in die Praxis umzusetzen und merke wsa das für einen Unterschied macht.

Was macht ein hilfreiches Gespräch aus? Das Inhaltsverzeichnis liefert einen guten Überblick:

Teil 1 – Warum es wichtig ist, heikle Themen anzusprechen

• En Gespräch kann das ganze Leben ändern
• Die Vorteile eines offenen Gespräches

Teil 2 – Was macht ein gutes Gespräch aus?

• Seien Sie einfühlsam
• Ich-Botschaften statt Du-Botschaften
• Das Problem beim Namen nennen
• Milde und Ehrlichkeit
• Bleiben Sie beim Thema
• Wenn du A machst, fühle ich B
• Bestätigung und Wertschätzung
• Entschuldigen Sie sich für Ihren Anteil an dem Problem
• Verzichten Sie auf “Eigentlich-solltest-du” Sätze
• Helfen Sie dem anderen, sich zu ändern
• Seien Sie präzise
• Vom Unterschied zwischen Vergebung und Vertrauen

Teil 3 – So geht’s

• Wünsche und Bedürfnisse mitteilen
• Ein Problem ansprechen
• Eingefahrene Verhaltensweisen müssen sich ändern
• Vorwürfe, Gegenangriffe und andere Stolpersteine

Teil 4 – Vor dem Gespräch

• Warum es wichtig ist, sich vorzubereiten
• Eine gute Vorbereitung

Teil 5 – Konfrontationsgespräche mit verschiedenen Personen in Ihrem Leben

• Mit Ihrem Ehepartner
• Mit dem möglichen Partner fürs Leben
• Mit Ihrem Kind
• Mit Ihren Eltern
• Mit Ihren erwachsenen Kindern
• Mit Mitarbeitern / Arbeitskollegen
• Mit Autoritäten

Im Folgenden einige Punkte die ich hilfreich fand:

• Die Wichtigkeit der Vorbereitung, und mich nicht dafür genieren, sondern erklären, dass ich sonst leicht den Faden verliere und Dinge sage, die ich eigentlich nicht möchte
• Das Problem beim Namen nennen und sich nicht ablenken lassen, von sich selber oder vom Gesprächspartner. Es passiert so leicht, dass man vom Hundertsten ins Tausendste kommt. Ich sehe dann auch leicht Parallelen mit anderen Situationen, aber sie alle in einem Gespräch zu erwähnen ist nicht hilfreich. Für den anderen wird es leicht überwältigend.
• Ehrlich sagen wie es mir mit etwas geht, was das Verhalten des anderen bei mir auslöst. Das ganz konkret zu formulieren, kann relativ schwierig sein, aber wenn ich das in der Vorbereitung durchdenke, dann ist das schon ein Schritt hin zur Lösung.
• Genauso geht es mit den konkreten Vorschlägen was sich ändern sollte. Das selber Durchdenken kann eine Herausforderung sein, aber es hilft weil mir vielleicht selber klar wird, dass sich der andere nicht von heute auf morgen in einen anderen Menschen verwandeln kann. Darum ist es wichtig, mir selbst klar zu werden, was genau möchte ich vom anderen und was ist machbar. Unrealistische Erwartungen schaffen nur Frustrationen auf beiden Seiten.
• Nicht vom Gespräch die Lösung für meine negativen Gefühle erwarten, sondern das zuerst mit Gott und anderen Freunden erreichen, und dann aus Liebe zum anderen und aus Interesse an der gemeinsamen Beziehung, die Dinge ansprechen.
• Die Wünsche und Bedürfnisse äußern, darf man nicht verwechseln mit Forderungen stellen. Man muss dem anderen die Freiheit lassen und nicht manipulieren. Nicht alle Wünsche können erfüllt werden. Es ist wichtig nicht die Erfüllung aller Wünsche zu erwarten, aber es ist wichtig auch jene Wünsche und Bedürfnisse zuäußern, die nicht erfüllt werden können. Solange ich dem anderen die Freiheit lasse, ist das kein Problem. Nicht manipulieren ist für mich einer der schwierigsten Aspekte. “Freiheit ist die Voraussetzung für jede gute Beziehung.” Nicht jede Form des Mitteilens ist angemessen.
• Das Nein des anderen grundsätzlich akzeptieren. Wenn es mir wirklich wichtig ist, dann bei einer späteren Gelegenheit darauf zu sprechen zu kommen. Dabei ist es wichtig, Verständnis für den anderen auszudrücken. Manche Lösungen ergeben sich auch erst, wenn man versteht warum der andere so reagiert, oder nein sagt, oder …
• Zuhören und Rückfragen, sich bemühen den anderen zu verstehen. Gleichzeitig aber auch nicht ablenken lassen. Nebenthemen auf ein anderes Mal verschieben.

Das ist eine kleine Auswahl von hilfreichen Punkten in diesem Buch. Seit ich es vor mehreren Monaten gelesen habe, fiel mir immer wieder auf, wie oft Konfrontationen vom Wunsch Dampf abzulassen motiviert sind, und der Erwartung, dass man sich danach besser fühlt. Das ist so ziemlich das Gegenteil von dem was Cloud und Townsend in dem Buch empfehlen.

“What can we do that makes us the gladdest, what can we do that leaves us with the strongest sense of sailing true north and of peace, which is much of what gladness is? Is it making things with our hands out of wood or stone or paint or canvas? Or is it making something we hope like truth out of words? Or is it making people laugh or weep in a way that cleanses their spirit? I believe that if it is a thing that makes us truly glad, then it is a good thing and it is our thing and it is the calling voice that we were made to answer with our lives . . . . . The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”

- Frederick Buechner,

Quote found on WOTH Writer’s Blog

Jim Wilder brought an interesting example in his webinar of how our culture can even influence a Bible translation. He discovered this when speaking to churches in Poland. His interpreter was very surprised when Jim read Hebrews 12:2 from his English Bible:

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

The Holy Bible : New International Version, electronic ed., Heb 12:2 (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1996, c1984).

The Greek word αντι can be translated in two ways:

a) for, because (instead of)
b) because of

In the case of in Hebrews 12:2 this results in the following difference. It can be translated either as:

1) Jesus … who instead of the joy set before him endured the cross, or as
2) Jesus … who because of the joy set before him endured the cross

Most English translations chose the second option.

The New Living Translation also chose the first second option but provided the second first option as alternative reading in a footnote.

Because of the joy^* awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame.

Tyndale House Publishers, Holy Bible : New Living Translation., “Text edition”–Spine., 2nd ed., Heb 12:2 (Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House Publishers, 2004).

The Polish Bible translation(s?) chose option 1). This is understandable when we consider the history and cultural context.

The culture in Poland is rather low joy and the church is considered to be about suffering, not about joy. Therefore joy did not belong in the church and is even perceived as offensive. The Bible translators therefore chose the first option because of their cultural background and Jim’s interpreter was quite surprised when Jim quoted this verse from his English Bible.

In September/October Deeper Walk International brought an interesting series of webinars on the topic of “Why Western Christianity Failed.” The speaker was Dr. Jim Wilder from Shepherd’s House in California.

- The first part was about a 300 year old philosophy that heavily influenced Western Theology (which I summarized here)
- The second part looked at how medieval psychology influences us until today (which I summarized here)
- And the third part explained how we ended up with a false dichotomy because of these two influences.

In this post I will give a summary of part three:

The theme of part three is the false dichotomy in Western Christianity that resulted from the Voluntarist philosophy (part 1) and the medieval psychology (part 2). Christianity became a matter of giving people the right information so they can make the right choice, but this did not help to change people’s character.
As a result Western Christianity paid a lot of attention to belief errors, for example, in cults (e.g. Jim Jones) or in other theologies (liberation theology) but did very little about character failures, for example, when church leaders run off with somebody else’s wife, addictions, divorce among Christians, pedophile priests, pornography and many other character failures among Christians.

It is not a matter of picking one or the other. Christianity needs to change both sides.
One result of this false dichotomy is legalism. It easily develops when you think that ideas and choices are the key to being a ‘good’ Christian.

What is needed to change this?
We need to understand how our brain works. The control center of our life is situated in the right hemispheres of the brain – not the left thinking side of the brain! It is this right side that takes over when we are under stress or in trouble. Therefore it is the right side that needs to become Christian to influence our whole life, including our character.

How is the control center trained?
The right brain can learn to stay true to ourselves and our God-given identity under pressure:

- through relationships with others who can model for us how to handle pressure
- visual examples
- emotional story and song, similar to the minstrels in the past or hymns that use a lot of imagery
- but NOT through propositional truth or didactic teaching!

Our character can be changed

- when other people are glad to be with us (a joy that is communicated non verbally between our right brains by just smiling at each other)
- when they are glad to be with us even in difficult situations
- when we experience Jesus’ presence in these situations
- when we learn to synchronize with God while we are under pressure
- and experience his joy of being with us even when we fail.

All of this has to happen in the situation itself, when we are under pressure, when we experience suffering or temptation, not when we are sitting in church and are not tempted.

The left hemisphere can help in this process,

- find the resources needed for training the right brain
- make strategies for change and growth
- learn truth and use it as a standard of reference, but …

“Memorizing Bible verses alone does not help to do the right things, but when we live in relationship with the person that is behind them.”

We are often trying to use the left hemisphere to compensate for the lack of emotional skills but that does not help.

For example:
- addictions are a classic example of doing this, try to rationalize things
- borderline personality disorders, try to live by rules because they lack the relational skills
- anxiety, try to gather more information but information cannot compensate for relationships
- religions obsession or legalism, try to explain everything, and achieve ultimate spirituality
- work and control compulsions, try to set up rules to control people and things around them.

Unfortunately but not surprisingly, a lot of these can be found in Western Christianity. Many people who think their way through relationships are very legalistic, rely heavily on predicting the behaviors of others, box people in, expect them to behave according to roles (“you are … you should do …”), enforce compliance to their expectations, and look for explanations when things don’t go according to expectations.

This leads to “left-sided sins problems” that are typical among those who try to live their faith from the left-brain hemisphere:

- condemnation
- judgmentalism (by comparisons)
- sense of entitlement
- guided by own understanding and explanations (instead of Jesus’)
- depend on roles (instead of God-given identities)
- need to punish and justify punishment
- sarx (‘flesh’) based living, living according to my own understanding of how God wants me to live, instead of in dependence on Him!

This is in contrast to what Prov 3:5-6 tells us to do:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight. (NIV)

Trust GOD from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for GOD’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track. (The Message)

***
If you are interested in listening to the whole webinar, go to Deeper Walk International Resources Center – Webinars and scroll down to

Webinars by Jim Wilder

How Western Christianity Failed

Each webinar is available for $3.00. Once you have paid, you will receive a link to download or listen online to it.

Fitting for today’s name saint, a quote from his name sake Nicholas of Cusa:

All my endeavors are directed towards you, because all your endeavors are directed at me. All my looking is focused on you and I will never turn my eyes from you, because you surround me with your imperturbable gaze. You are the center of my love, because you, who is the love in person, has turned so completely to me. And what, o Lord, is my life if not your loving embrace with which you hold me tight.

The Vision of God: Nicholas of Cusa

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Passend zum heutigen Tagesheiligen, ein Zitat von seinem Namensvetter Nikolaus von Kues:

All meine Bemühungen gelten dir, weil all deine Bemühungen mir gelten. All meine Blicke sind auf dich gerichtet und niemals wende ich meine Augen ab von dir, weil du mich mit deinem unbeirrbaren Blick umfängst. Dir allein gilt meine ganze Liebe, weil du, der du doch die Liebe selbst bist, dich ganz und gar mir zugewandt hast. Und was, Herr, ist mein Leben, wenn nicht die liebevolle Umarmung, mit der du mich festhältst.

Vom Sehen Gottes. Ein Buch mystischer Betrachtung: Nikolaus von Kues

The Vision of God: Nicholas of Cusa,

I read a very good book about two years ago. Some time last year I discovered the blog Telling Secrets and started reading it on and off before realizing that the blog author is the same person as the book author. I guess, this says something about my ability to remember names. Embarrassing. Anyway, here is a little book review.

Smith, Marti (ed.). 2005. Through her eyes : life and ministry of women in the Muslim world. Waynesboro, GA: Authentic Media.

The author is a research project coordinator with Caleb project. She collected the material presented in this book while serving in Central Asia with a church planting team. It is a collection of life experiences from several women serving in a Muslim context, mostly Central and Southern Asia.

These stories are organized under 6 topics:

Adjustment and perseverance: being called, equipped and made effective
Relationships: how God is using women to touch people around them
Life under pressure: staying anchored during storms
How should we live: questions of culture, values and money
Singleness and marriage: living the life God gives you
Parenting: family issues, choices, and models

The women contributing to this book are identified by pseudonyms. Most of them have contributed more than one experience, so you meet them again under different topics. They come from different countries, including UK, USA, Australia. Most of them are married but there are also a few singles among them, and some who started out as singles and got married later. All this makes for an interesting mix of experiences.

I guess more than half of the chapters touched me in some personal way, either as an encouragement, or as a challenge, or as a reminder. Not once did it disturb me that they are all sharing about an Asian context. It was amazing how similar their issues and challenges are to life in Muslim Africa.

I can highly recommend this book. I think it could be used as part of an orientation program for new arrivals, but I believe it can be equally profitable for seasoned cross-cultural workers. Come to think, it might be of interest for anybody living among people of a different religion.

Faith is not opposed to knowledge; it is opposed to sight. And grace is not opposed to effort; it is opposed to earning. Commitment is not sustained by confusion but by insight. The person who is uninformed or confused will inevitably be unstable and vulnerable in action, thought and feeling.

- Dallas Willard (in Hearing God)